Welcome my friends, to another fun filled installment of the column that has managed to bring peace and love to the Internet….. Munson’s Milestone Mondays! Now up until now I have enjoyed all the Milestone books I have been recapping for you. I have been showering them with heaps of praise, with nary a negative phrase escaping from my keyboard. I am sad to say that that ends right now, as I cover Hardware #’s 5 & 6.

(Click the covers for a larger version!)

Well, just take a look at the cover folks, and you can see the beginnings of why these two comics (which represent the first two parts of a 3 part storyline) are frighteningly disappointing. Let’s set the scene shall we? The year is 1993 – we are the height of the grim and gritty superhero phase, and we have a Punisher wannabe / rip-off on the cover fighting with Hardware. He has a big huge gun, which appears to have some sort of knife attachment on the side (Rob Liefeld… white courtesy phone please, Rob Liefeld… white courtesy phone), and bullets strapped around his chest as a fashion accessory. Now, as a reader, you may think, “Nah, this guy can’t just be another grim ‘n’ gritty anti-hero. Maybe there’s something more to him than his gun and poor clothing choices.” Well you’d be a little right, but when you get through this recap, or even dare to pick up and read the issues, you will see that this character still represents the epitome of the vigilante anti-hero….. and it ain’t pretty.

In issue #5 we are introduced to one of Hardware’s contacts – Deacon “Phreaky Deak” Stuart, computer hacker extraordinaire. He is a large black man that apparently enjoys the company of a hooker once a week. However, on one of his weekly visits to his favorite lady of the night, he finds her murdered in her apartment. It just so happens that a serial killer of hookers has been striking in Dakota, and Deacon’s hooker is their latest victim. And much like any clichéd murder scene, the cops just happen to be show up just in time to pin the crime on Deacon.

Deacon, innocent of course, contacts Hardware to help him out by getting him out of jail and investigating who is actually killing the hookers. Hardware agrees to do this, and picks up Deacon at the police station in the only interesting scene from this issue as he uses an on –board imager in a car to assume the guise of an old lady as he picks up his friend. Hardware tells Deacon, that he wants him to dig into the police database and get everything he can about the case. While he does this, Hardware plans to look over the scene of the crime because as he says to Deacon “I can’t solve a puzzle if I don’t have a feel for it.”

Then, it is time to meet our vigilante. Here it is folks, the two pages you have been waiting for:

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Well, you really don’t get much more cliché than that huh? Turns out Mitch is a former rapist, and this guy in the make-up (who has some sort of Mime fetish I’m assuming) apparently has it bad for him:

(Click the scans for a larger version!)

Wow…. Did you guys see that…. He was actually foaming at the mouth. Seriously, he was foaming like a rabid wolverine had bitten him in the ass. “You haven’t BEGUN to pay.” Oh god, I am so impressed with this guy’s dialogue. I would not be surprised if they consulted Charles Bronson to help with the script.

So, obviously from the last sentence on the page there, you can assume that Mitch tried to kill the ever so violent Marcel Marceau fan club member because we next see him leaving the apartment. He thinks “I punished him a long time before I let him die. I’ve waste too much time on little fish like Mitch. Time to get back on the trail of the prostitute killer.” He jumps into the Punisher-Van, oops I’m sorry I meant his own means of transportation (it is still a van though) and thinks, “I’ll need to take a closer look at the latest crime scene.” Oh-ho, an interesting plot device to get our main character, and this chump together! Let’s see what happens next!

Hardware arrives at the dead hooker’s apartment, and is looking over the place to try and find some sort of clue. “Who am I kidding?” he thinks “I’m no detective. I don’t even know what I’m looking for.” Suddenly, a voice from behind him speaks, “Returning to the scene of the crime? Saved me a lot of trouble.”

(Click the scans for a larger version!)

At least Hardware has one thing going for him as this issue closes…. He’s not drooling like a mad-dog (yet). But at least we have a name for this guy… DEATHWISH. See what I mean about being the epitome of all stereotypes? This guy is magically craptastic, and he has such a way with words!

Issue 6 opens up where #5 left off. The face of between Deathwish and Hardware begins, with a whimper as Hardware responds to Deathwish’s “You heard me blow your brains out, or try to blow out mine” with “Alternately we could talk about this.” Deathwish’s response is with a large knife, more foaming at the mouth and this little retort “Talk to God, and try to put in a good word for me I’ll expect I’ll need it.” Hardware takes one look at this guy’s drool and knows he is in too deep with a completely crazy bastard. He tells him to calm down (like that’s going to work) and puts down the gun. Deathwish tells Hardware “Fair is fair, I’ll drop the knife.” Hardware starts to open his mouth and says “Good. Now let’s…” and that’s all he gets out.

(Click the scan for a larger version!)

See he’s still drooling, someone get this guy a bib! Deathwish then tries to strangle Hardware with some wire. Silly vigilante, you can’t cut a guys throat through armor! Hardware pulls out some moves and flips him over his back. Deathwish rises to his feet, and delivers the same line that he delivered to Mitch in the previous issue like he’s Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction: “There’s this movie. It’s about this guy who gets pushed too far. So he decides to push back.” (So flippin’ cheesy!)

We are then treated to no less than three pages of fisticuffs before Hardware remembers “Hey this is just some guy with a gun and I have all of this high tech stuff and I am in armor so I can just whip out some techno crap and kick his ass with stuff he doesn’t even understand!” (I am paraphrasing here… although if he did say that I would have more respect for this issue.)

(Click the scan for a larger version!)

Then, HARDWARE KNOCKS HIM THE F*$% OUT!!!! ( I apologize to Chris Tucker…. I just couldn’t resist) Hardware then takes a page out of the Batman handbook for interrogating and/or getting a potential ally to bond with you and ties Deathwish to a steel girder high up on a construction site in downtown Dakota. Check out this little exchange:

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Welcome to the Dakota MENSA meeting folks, try the veal and don’t forget to tip your waitress! Hardware ends up leaving Deathwish to get down by himself, since he works so well alone he should have no problem. He decides to go to work at Alva Industries, where his co-workers tell him he looks like garbage. He complains about not being able to sleep lately and gives up and heads home for some shut-eye. As he arrives at home he finds a message on a phone line that Deacon had set up to contact Hardware. Deacon tells him that he has all the police files on the murders, and he also has a warning for Hardware. Deacon tells him, Deathwish is interested in the case, to which Hardware replies sarcastically “Oh Really?” Deacon tells him that the cops are trying to keep him out of it, but that he as some uncanny ability to track down “this particular brand of SCUM, and every time he beats the police to the offender, they are stuck arresting a corpse.” Hardware takes this is stride and tells Deacon to MODEM the stuff over,(ahh the days of dial-up) and that if he can’t figure out anything from it, maybe he’ll give it to Deathwish. Deacon is impressed and asks him how he knows how to find him.

We get our answer as Hardware takes off in his hovercraft tracking Deathwish with the transmitter he inserted into the lining of his coat while he hung from the building. All Hardware has to hope is that Deathwish hasn’t changed clothes yet, but judging from the way he smells, he thinks that is a pretty safe bet. Hardware is correct, as Deathwish hasn’t changed into new clothes, he has just removed them as he is in a seedy hotel with a woman. The woman says to him “Don’t worry about it, Baby. It happens to everybody…..”

(Click the scans for a larger version!)

Okay, who saw that one coming? Raise your hand if you did. I am judging by the sea of imaginary hands I see before me that no one was fooled. The guy is a drooler, and apparently has sex with hookers with his mime make-up still on. Will Hardware be able to stop Deathwish from killing him and continuing on his hooker-killing spree? Will I even care when I recap the next issue? We will see in a future column.

Let’s sum these two issues up shall we? In all honesty, it represents the worst of 90’s comics. Here we have a crazy gun-toting killer with a saliva control problem. He is a total rip-off of the Punisher, for god sake he even wears bullets as a belt! Now, I realize that looking back on a book like this is hard to do, mainly because guys like Deathwish sold tons of comics back in the day. The Punisher had three monthly books at this point for god’s sake! This doesn’t change the fact that Hardware is an armored hero who could take this guy out with any sort of high tech device and just call it a day. However he decides to trade punches with the guy, and doesn’t use his brain at all! So much for brilliant scientist guy! Do you all want to know the worst part? It took me about 10 minutes to read through both issues, there was practically no “weight” to these two comics. This three-part story probably could have been a good done in one issue, but they have to show Deathwish as a badass so they waste pages and the reader’s time with a 15-page fight scene between the two. I was not impressed at all, but still retain some hope that the next issue will at least get back to Hardware’s plot of taking down Alva industries. That plotline is much more interesting than this derivative crap. That wraps up this week’s column, next week we will cover the next issues of Static and Blood Syndicate so be sure to join us then!

This entry was posted on Monday, January 29th, 2007 at 7:18 am and is filed under milestone mondays. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.